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Inward/Outward - This is Lula — LiveJournal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Angelic Fruitcake

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Inward/Outward [Apr. 10th, 2010|09:58 pm]
Angelic Fruitcake
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |home]
[mood |busybusy]
[music |raindrops against window]

What have I been up to? Doing a lot of journaling. Each and every morning. I reach for a pen when I wake up. I'm wanting to be more intentional about the content. That will come. I'm just glad I'm at least getting things out of my brain and onto paper.

I've started seeing a new therapist for my social anxiety. Yet again, she's a talker and a hippie-lady type. I'm hoping that she's got some real, applicable ideas for me, though. Or at least that she can listen to me as I work my way through things, even if she can't offer help. I've just been to her once. She talked more than I do. I need to just ramble all the way through. I'm not used to it. I don't want it to end up like almost all of my other 'therapist/counselor' relationships with me comforting, listening to her endeavors and travels. Yeah. I'm going to see her again next week and take charge of that. And if that doesn't happen, I need to move on to the next one. They're professionals -- or at least they're supposed to be. I shouldn't feel guilt if we don't fit. She's supposed to be there to help ME. I may hate crowds. I may need more alone time than most or have more trouble articulating what things and people mean, but it doesn't mean I don't need people.

I've been throwing myself into some things to get out more and try to practice being social. Maybe it's been too much. I'm not sure. I'm on the planning committee for a Beltane celebration. I've been trying to attend some CUUPs (Covenant of Unitarian Unversalist Pagans) meetings when I can. The thing is, I'm not interested in any religion at all except theoretically. And I'm finding the actual Unitarian-Universalist church to be more inviting than CUUPs in general. I've not found any issues with my general atheism and attending it. And they haven't found any issues with me. Especially since most of the people there also feel the way I do: religions, well, they're metaphorical stories that can be comforting. Mostly I go because I need community. And I'm not fooling them or myself. I don't see the ambiguity (and I occasionally welcome ambiguity as a challenge). It doesn't make sense to some, but since I'm not able to go sit zazen at the local zen temple, I'm fine with how welcoming the Unitarians have been. I'm not a token atheist, either. A lot of them are humanists rather than overly religious and don't necessarily equate the search for meaning and connection with religion at all. I don't. I'm not a theist. Nor a deist. Things are getting clearer for me as I get older, though those outside may not be able to reconcile my attendance with my 'non-faith'. I can reconcile it. That's what matters.

What else? I've been volunteering with Big Brothers-Big Sisters/Committed Partners for Youth. I mentor a 14-year-old girl who I call L'il Mama (but not to her face). She's really...interesting. I know it's nice for her to have some time to be a kid. She's the oldest of a number of step, half, and full siblings that she is a second mom to. It was her choice to be the last to get a mentor as she thought the young ones should get one first. It's now her turn. I'm hoping to create space during our times together for her to just be a kid. It's been interesting so far. Today, we went to the Downtown Athletic Center and played in their pool and soaked in the hot tub for free. We walked around Saturday Market. We both made it home before the rain started.

Work had raised my hours since the receptionist is studying to become licensed in insurance sales. She's doing most of her studying at home now, so I'm back to about 25 hours a week. I was up to 32 hours when I came in early to cover reception for her as she studied in the mornings. I've got insurance now, at whatever hours I work -- they got me covered, which is nice. Of course, I'm working not to need it. I've exercised 5 days in a row at the office gym and played in the water today. I'm trying to get to the point where I need no medicines for anything at all. I have a general practitioner who referred me to a diabetes class -- I only have insulin resistance, not diabetes. It's a precursor, though, and not good. I can't take the class right now, though, be cause insurance doesn't cover it. Even though I've got insurance now. Gahh. Oh, well. I was hoping to get more info and take a cooking class. I really need structure. I know this about myself. If I took one or two classes -- or was shown, formally, a few times by a friend -- how to cook, I would have more confidence trying to cook on my own. I guess I just have to start on my own.

I've been busy, but lonely. Lots of meetings, attending the UU church. I'm hoping that I'm planting seeds for deeper friendships eventually. I'll keep you posted more regularly. And I'm working on getting caught up with all y'all. Thanks for the virtual gifts! I especially love the squirrely one, as I'm partial to squirrels. But they're all great. <3 Thanks!
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: fitzbeew
2010-04-11 05:12 am (UTC)
hey Lula! I'm glad it sounds like you are doing well. Good for you for volunteering and keeping busy! Just make sure you take care of yourself, whatever you do. :)

Dude, it sounds like the counselors you have had were SUPER lame!!! Good gravy. I have seen Jacqui Lichtenstein at Direction Services counseling over near the Hult Center, since I was like 12, and I love her. She LISTENS a lot. I really hope that things work out for you regarding counseling.

*hugs!*

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[User Picture]From: lula_neith
2010-04-11 10:21 pm (UTC)
{{hugs}} Good to hear from you! And I'm glad to be doing the volunteering. It is important to try to reach a balance. Like you said: I'm looking to take care of myself, too.

Yeah, the previous counselors were very nice ladies. They were not, however, the best counselors for me. I'm really glad you found someone early on who you work well with! :)
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[User Picture]From: parlance
2010-04-11 07:08 pm (UTC)
Glad to see you posting! I'm so proud of you doing the Big Sister mentoring.

If this one doesn't work out, you might want to find a therapist who specializes in narrative therapy, to ensure you get space to talk.
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[User Picture]From: lula_neith
2010-04-11 10:19 pm (UTC)
Narrative therapy? Interesting. I definitely do need to be certain I have the space to talk and that someone is listening. I =need= to feel I'm heard or I lose confidence in my physical voice and I don't see any reason to bother and default to listening to their stuff. Which is silly: why pay =them= for the pleasure of MY listening? =/ I'm hoping the next session is telling to that end.
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[User Picture]From: shadowfae
2010-04-11 08:01 pm (UTC)
I missed you sweetie. But I haven't been around here as much as I probably should be, either. I need to rectify that and check in with people much more often. Like you I'm trying to stay busy, and since a lot of the stuff I'm working through is self-esteem/sexuality related I've been staying at the *other place* more than here ... don't want to make my friend's list crazy with my navel gazing :(

Take care sweetie, and keep us updated!
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[User Picture]From: lula_neith
2010-04-11 10:16 pm (UTC)
Aww. I miss you here, too. But I know what you mean about having a more... appropriate place for to work through that other stuff. Love you! <3 And you take care, too.
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[User Picture]From: lula_neith
2010-04-11 10:15 pm (UTC)
"Seriously, if you end up helping and encouraging them you should live a bill at the desk on checkout."

Ha, ha! I so should send a bill if this happens. They've all been kind. But, yeah, not very good therapists for someone like me. It may indeed be that she was just trying to relax me during the first visit. I'm hoping that's the case. We'll see this coming week.

As to wanting the morning pages to be more than 'blah, blah, blah', you may be right. It may be good to have a space to get that 'blah, blah, blah' out. And move on to the rest of the day.
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[User Picture]From: lula_neith
2010-04-11 10:42 pm (UTC)
See, and I was here thinking you =always= had a life. ;) I'll wait for the seeds to grow. Ha, ha! And like you, I'll probably be called away by some far flung opportunity as soon as they come to fruition. Such is life.

As to the mentoring: kids have a LOT on their plates today and are given so few tools to deal with it. I'm just glad to be there for her and NOT be yet another stressor in her life; too young for this, too old for that. Being expected to know some things. Being expected to =pretend= not to know some things. Teens can have it rough.

Why did I not think of online videos for cooking?! Sheesh. Well. Aren't I smart? Not. You see how distracted I've been? I been online and not even thinking of it as a resource for kitchen stuff.

Oh, yes, girl. Squirrels. Don't sleep on them. They teach me a lot. Ha, ha!
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