Angelic Fruitcake (lula_neith) wrote,
Angelic Fruitcake

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Retooling, Rethinking, Reconnoitering...

I really wouldn't mind doing a video journal. I don't have anyone around regular enough to film me. Eric touches machines and they recoil in horror. Yes, I exaggerate. But it's true he wouldn't be able to film me effectively. It would be nice if things were arranged so that it was more like I was speaking with you. And I really would like to be speaking to you. I really would.

I have no class this term. Financial aid did not work out. I'm disappointed. I'll start filling out forms for forbearance so I don't have to pay back the loans yet. I'm not worried about that. I make very little money. They can come take it from my hide, really. I'm disappointed by the loss of momentum. I'm also disappointed that I had no idea where the momentum was going to begin with. I will spend this time with a lot of applications. And doing a bit of research on volunteering: I saw an opportunity to volunteer to help immigrants with English again. I did that in Minnesota and had a fun with it for six months. I want to volunteer again at an art initiative downtown. I've already called about volunteering at the hospital. I may yet call the local radio stations and volunteer there a bit as well. I used to think radio would be a blast. you could communicate and not feel like everyone's looking at you. I feel the same way about video. People would be looking at me AFTER I'd already wrangled the words out of my mouth.

Grad school scares me. There's a program I may apply for anyway. I feel woefully unprepared for it, but I don't think I've ever been prepared for anything that meant anything. I initially couldn't see it; I couldn't see myself in a program for 'leaders'. Now I can, in a way. It might be fun, but it's also a long shot. But then, they have so few people who apply, who knows what will happen. More on that later, or you can write me if you care to.

As the months go by, I'm finding that being forty next year might matter more than I think it will. I may have to head off a serious internal identity crisis by planning ahead. I'll mark down days that are OK to breakdown and leave certain hours free for fear and raging and ranting. Rage is under my skin, so it's always easy to access. With controlled periods of release, I may not burst.

Right now, I'm ahead of the wave. I can feel it at my back. I just have to make sure I'm at home and safe and in bed when I allow all of it to hit me.
Tags: 40, changes, disappointments, fears, grad school, no class, planned meltdown, plans, reconnoitering, rethinking, retooling, video journal
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