||[Sep. 12th, 2007|12:36 pm]
I promised myself I would go to Zazen yesterday. I did. It's nice to keep promises to yourself. It builds trust. It was evening Zazen at Eugene Zendo. Zazen is seated meditation. I sat for 40 minutes. I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it in the beginning. I hope to go again next Tuesday evening. I'll try to keep it regular, even when school starts. They will have classes starting next Tuesday. I'd love to be an Ango student and learn more and become more involved in the temple, but I think that it would be difficult to make that much time. Maybe later...
Sitting was actually invigorating. My mind went over a lot of things; I felt guilty and vindicated. I went back and forth between being completely present and far, far away in my mind -- falling with a jolt back into my body. There was more, but that's for me alone to know. I hope to go back again.
The time it takes to get there and back is a concern for me. I will have to see if I can make it work each week with school. I may have to go every other Tuesday. For being the 'greenest city', Eugene's public transportation leaves some to be desired. It doesn't run often in the evenings. I had to kill a lot of time before being able to catch the bus home. Perhaps I can make it study time during the school term. I will be going full time and working 24 hours a week.
At any rate, I feel the effects of the sitting carried over to today. I didn't react to a couple of disappointments today the way I generally do: internalizing everything and turning it to self-hate. I am feeling positive about that, which makes me want to go back. There was a reading before we started zazen that was kind of inspiring. I'll have to find it on my own or borrow it from the temple...