June 9th, 2007

Coffee Squirrel

Don't fight the Happy

My insides are laughing.  I really don't know why, but I've been waking up okay. I've opened my eyes okay with the fact that this means I must leave the land of dreams. Life is okay. I haven't been negative for too long -- when I am I'm able to take a deep breathe and let it go. The last time I was down was a few weeks ago. I had The Sicilian at work worried, I think. We went to coffee and I brooded and he was okay with that. He checked in with his girl on the phone, reminding her he'd be home shortly (I felt bad about that) and then made me laugh SO hard. I actually felt comfortable enough to brood in front of someone in person. It was anticipatory brooding -- waiting for a hammer to drop. I was so certain about things. What I was brooding about didn't even happen! I have at least two lovely people (glo_wyrm and the Sicilian) who show me in person that it can be a boon not to know. I am happy right now, no one knows for certain. Thank goodness! Those moments will pass just like the really bad ones. It's comforting.

Eric had me concerned when I have to be away Mondays and Tuesdays. This is only because, damn, when you don't leave the house your mind eats itself. He's too much of an independent loner type to join a group. I'm gonna drag him with me this Thursday to NAMI, maybe. If I remember. I'm fine, though. And so is he.

I found some phone numbers for folks to help with the budgeting (thank you, mena_immortal!). I'm hoping I can drop to three days a week. I talked to the lady in HR and apparently if I keep it at or above 24 hours a week, I can keep the insurance. Well. She shouldn't have told me that. As soon as I wake on Monday, the  I'm going to work as little as possible and find fun free things to do. My finals are this week. I'm going to try to take them early if I can. And one is a take home final. The following week, I am hopefully going to deal with doctor-y stuff and sleep. Perhaps find a cheap way down to CA for my family reunion at the end of July. I'm keeping a handwritten mood/health type thing for a treatment I just started -- which I may change course on. Why not? They aren't experiencing what I am. I'm really proud that I'm getting better at owning myself. If I change doctors, so what? His feelings are hurt in his $700,000 house? Aww. So sad. It's such ego on my part to worry about that -- though we all do it. I'm sure he doesn't even remember me when I'm not in his office (I'm not up for posting about the 'whys' here. If you got my e-mail and wanna know more, feel free to write me).

I have happy to spare, you know? I have a couple friends dealing with some nasty stuff. I'm really unsure of when I was last able to feel such a full sense of compassion and empathy (and willingness to be there) alongside my own happiness. I usually get in a funk =for= other people. I'm not in a funk for anyone. I want you all as happy as I am right now. And I am happy even with: filthy home, stinky (but loving) roommate, bad horniness for someone just across town, good food (Eric bought these 'healthy' cookies that actually taste good. Probably aren't healthy if you eat eight of them, eh?), my mom half a country away. Why? Well, it's my apartment and most of the time, I'm fine with it. I'll fix it when I'm not anymore. It's =good= to feel horny. Makes you feel alive. Food, well. Why not? And my mom doesn't go three days in a row without calling me. That means she's =here= with me, really. I'm happy. It seems to be lasting for a while. Better enjoy it while I've got it. Just like the cookies...