May 30th, 2007

Coffee Squirrel


Less than half an hour before class. Just contemplating things. I am actually grateful to be a student again whether I get into the nursing program or not. I think this is a good place to be, regardless of how busy and tired I can get. I wasn't able to rearrange my work schedule down to three days a week yet. Maybe later. Maybe another job. Who knows. I'm not stressing out about it. That's new.

I've been reading "Stillness Speaks". It was lent to me by a new friend. I've found it very...insightful for the most part. I don't spend time reading a lot of self-help. This is more about philosophical constructs that hold us to our identities and what they mean. It's about lessening pain. ::shrug:: I like it well enough and have found some useful passages.

I have been letting want wash over me. There's so very much to want. I've come to the conclusion that greed is just entitlement gone awry. I want things and people. I enjoy things and people -- a LOT. I ride that line between enjoyment and attachment. I am sad when what I want leaves. I want more of it when it stays around. I don't think anything is abnormal about that. I think when we get to the point where we can't see why it's not immediately ours because of the want, that's where we get in trouble. It's weird how something being pointed out in a very simple fashion makes you look at it without your own baggage and suddenly it's glowing and new. I am getting happier, I think. I feel I'm sort of evening out from the extremes. I don't know if this is the easing of chemical issues or a change in attitude that started before reading the book, before meeting my new friend. I guess that doesn't matter too much. I don't know how much finding a source changes things. I'm not saying exploring the foundation of an issue doesn't have its place, but as with Eric: what difference does it make if what they label his schizophrenia is 'organic' or social or what? When you can get to the point where he receives humane treatment and is not a drugged up number who sees you once a month, then we can talk.

I don't think when Buddhists talk about removing desire that they're talking about sitting at home and not doing anything, letting your clothes rot off you because you don't really =need= to be clean. I think it's about perspective, not becoming apathetic. It's not being a servant to it. Things begin and they end. So do people. So do relationships. Being able to feel it and let it go through you is good. There's just a LOT of want now. Mmm. Want. I am alive with want. But not need. I have to be careful, though, as my wants don't outweigh anyone else's. But, DANG, does it feel like the power of my own blood is pushing me somewhere. Well. I'll end here. Just rambling. And thinking about wanting. And wanting my new friend. Wanting him badly (or goodly). No response necessary.