April 13th, 2007

Coffee Squirrel

TV, Justice, Mystic River, Sex Abuse, triggering(?)...Just a rant

I'm going to have to quit my TV. It will be difficult and I know I'll have withdrawl symptoms. I believe I'll have to walk it off, so maybe I'll get skinnier. I can't take it anymore. I was wrong. It's =not= my only friend. It's nobody's friend. And I'm done with it. I'm not giving up DVD's. I'll still watch the tapes bkmode so kindly makes for me of Girlfriends and Law & Order: SVU with the commercials mercifully edited out. But I'm going to see how long I can go without watching commercial TV. I may even subscribe to adbusters shortly. I'm concerned about transferrence, though. I hope I don't simply start passing even more hours than I already do just flitting around online. I'm going to come up with some limits. I just had this...moment today. I wanted to fuckin' SCREAM and I felt like nothing. I had no sense of progress, no sense of being anyone of worth. I'm 37-years-old. I have no kids. I have no husband. I don't even have any pets. I got sick of how commercials make you feel about that. It got me thinking about the woman in the UK who was dead for -- what? -- two years before someone found her. What am I leaving behind? I know it's a moment. I know it will pass. I'm not asking for anything. I just know that TV makes those moments last longer. It makes me forget I'm doing alright in my classes. It makes me forget that I've only got a year-and-a-half left and I'll have a skill that will allow me to finally do the traveling I want to do.

So, why am I here then? Why not just move back to Chicago and move back with my mom? I can't properly describe it, even to myself. What is interesting is, when I have these moments, Eric has them, too. I got home Tuesday. I stepped in and smelled cigarettes -- only faintly. Before I could say anything, Eric called from the darkened bedroom. He apologized and said he had a bad day and that he couldn't even go outside at the time. I nearly flipped out going to work I was dreading it so much. After classes, I just wanted to go home and get in bed. I wanted to stay in bed until we got an eviction notice. I'd look forward to the eviction notice as that would mean legally we'd have 30 more days to stay in bed and do nothing. Mondays and Tuesdays are bad. I have to be up before 8a. I don't get back until after midnight -- sometimes 1a. I miss him during the day. At least I have people around me. I gave him a hug and forgave him -- and aired the place out. Hey -- I go out with him once in a while for a cigarette. And I know how it is to not even want to open your eyes, much less leave the house.

I woke up this morning feeling a LOT more hopeful. He seems to be better, too. I was also looking for something on those days I only have class and nothing afterward. I generally watch TV or read for class -- only sporadically. I finally went to the NAMI website to find a meeting and so I'll go there after class one Thursday a month. I may drag Eric as it would be nice for him to get out, too. We can't just cling to each other like kids in a storm. Or rather, it's not the best to do that as we've been doing it for ages and I think it's time we danced in the rain, you know? I'm going to take some voice and guitar. I'm going to insist Eric take =something= at a community place nearby. We'll have stories to tell each other aside from: I missed you and it SUCKS going out into the world. I think I need to get rid of some STUFF. Clothes that are too tight. I'll have to buy two more pair of pants and one pair of sweatpants. I'll just wear those and not bother until I'm finally able to get my weight down. Hell: who needs to think I have 365 outfits? Yeah, dammit! I DID just wear these pants the day before yesterday. Kiss my ass! You should be grateful I bothered to shower!

*********SPOILER AHEAD FOR MYSTIC RIVER. JUST FYI for those who may see it later.

I finished watching Mystic River less than 10 minutes ago. I'm all churned up inside. I'm inexplicably angry. The most sympathetic characters were the guy who was sexually abused and his wife. There was such a sadness to their home. And of course I know that men, in general, process sex abuse differently. I know that Sean Penn's character was meant to be on the low end of the social system. Yet, there are those in the upper classes who would have reacted the way he did to his daughter's death. Let's say that his character's daughter had been molested or raped instead of killed -- would he have killed his 'friend' before hearing from his daughter that he wasn't the one? I was sexually abused and thought about the Robbins character, Dave. I don't feel dead inside. I think the guy who abused me may have felt dead. I don't consciously wish him harm -- don't even think of him except sadly and on bad days -- which this wasn't; it's the subject matter of the film. I don't even fantasize that him being hurt or dead would make me feel better. How do people come to that? I don't think everyone should disregard the pain it can cause or that those who choose to prosecute shouldn't. It just doesn't end the pain. It wasn't only his actions that made me the bundle of conflicting feelings about my own body. I think they'd be there anyway. I think getting rid of the clothes will help. I'd still have my serious identity issues, I think.  Anyway, the movie: I just felt such sadness at Dave's death and ANGER that Jimmy couldn't see what a disservice he did to his daughter's memory by killing in her name. Poor fuckin' Dave. He spent his whole life broken, trying desparately to at least be there for his son and his wife. He felt guilt he couldn't even name for killing a man who harmed a child and then is KILLED by his own 'friend'. And Jimmy is FREE after killing him and has a wife who thinks he's a king. How is that right on any planet? Bah. Sorry. I can't LJ cut right now. I really didn't plan on taking so much of your space! LOL! Later...

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