April 20th, 2006

Coffee Squirrel

I'm a Bad Girl

So, yeah, ages ago kenfrequed wrote a bit about six acts of villainy he would commit.

Quoth Ken: "EVERYONE-Come up with 6 schemes you would engage in as a super villain if you could."

Here are mine. I should preface by saying my super power would be money. Lots and lots of money. Tons and tons of filthy, rancid lucre, baby.

1. Extreme Culture of Life:

Using my SuperMoney, I support and endorse every flipping Psycho-Christian fringe group out there. I would make sure, through these groups, that legislation was passed to match the extreme views of these groups. Soon, not only would every sperm be sacred but it would be illegal for guys to go to bed without contraptions to catch any nocturnal emissions. Each sperm will be Guys would have their temps taken (rectally, of course), all precautions are taken for the most viable semen. Donation of said sperm to Life Banks would be required. The frozen embryos would be implanted in women -- wanted or not --and made real. No birth control anywhere. There would be folks working at Burger King after their full time jobs because, of course, being the 'biological dad' means they are responsible. And because guys never stop making sperm, they wouldn't even have a break when they got old like the ladies would. Everyone would do everything they could NOT to get turned on. Ultimately, this will make my state of asexuality enviable. I'll be the Un-sex Goddess. I'd be a pin up. Everyone would covet my ability to inspire affection without attraction. Youngsters would gather 'round as I told un-titilating stories of meeting people and NOT having sex with them.

2. Extreme Culture of Death:

You can imagine with the billions of extra folks around because every viable 'life' comes to fruition that there would have to be some rational way to get rid of some. I'd run an underground business renting out thugs to kill people. I'd never personally harm a hair on anyone's head, though. They'd pay to have themselves killed. No food, environmental issues, health issues -- they'd be begging for me. Of course, I wouldn't be state approved but the State would also not be looking to hard for me as I would be doing a service. You could choose how you'd like to die. We could make it look like an accident. We could make the murder obvious for insurance purposes. We could make it quick as you'd like.

3. Sex and Candy:

I know it doesn't sound like villainy, but I'm a glutton. And there has GOT to be a way incorporate my weaknesses AND do the world some good by being bad. It's not fully formed, but here's the general idea: I find access with my disarming smile (and filthy lucre) to secrets that could dismantle things from the top down. I find folks to help me drug someone important and take compromising photos of this person and myself dressed like a child. I have him blackmailed for candy but send the incriminating information and the photos to the press anyway. Then, since I'm a villain and will die anyway, I just eat candy until I die of a complications from Diabetes. Snickers. Milky Way. Milk Duds suck, 'coz they hurt my teeth. I can get with some Twix, though. My minions will make it look as if I were murdered by this guy and seal his fate for history.

I know it says you're supposed to have six plots. I'm at work, though. I'm tired. And I'm only half a bad guy anyway.
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