March 15th, 2006

Coffee Squirrel

Get moving!

Endings don't bother me. Unintentional stasis does. Death is scary, but it's scarier for me to think of being trapped in limbo for reasons beyond my control.

I'm going to date myself, but am I the only one old enough to have seen the cartoon Rikki Tikki Tavi? I've been haunted my whole life by one scene in that movie. I don't think I've even viewed it again as an adult. Clear as day, though, I remember the scene when Rikki is under the table with one of the snakes. The snake is threatening one of the kids. The snake tells him:

"If you move, I strike. If you don't move, I strike."

Of course, it's a cartoon and the little white kids end up fine. Rikki is their hero. I don't know, though. That scene stuck with me. I freeze at first. I go catatonic. I panick inside. Then I strike out when I'm backed into a no-win situation. It takes time for me to move. And that delay can be a precious waste.

Lately, I try to block things off before they come. Is everyone safe? Is Eric all good? How's my mom doing? I do it like checking a gas stove at night. Then I can move on.

Eric's been sleeping a lot. I know it's because he's nervous. Living in a city with a sister who is not talking might be better than being in a new place where you have to start from scratch. He did feel good hearing from the kid who came to film that his nephew is thrilled and has a great fondness for his uncle. He has no problem with viewing the movie when it's done. I always give folks an out. I told him if he wants me to help him arrange a place to stay here, if that would make him feel safer, I would do it and move on my own. He wanted me to just let him have his fear and he wants to move anyway.

When I'm not in Limbo, I'm all good. I know I'm going. I get that flying feeling of the unknown. I'm good. I could be anywhere, but if I know where I'm going I'm cool. I can stand it. I start to look forward and this is good and rare for me.

I look forward to not having to watch my co-worker (I know. I said I wouldn't mention her, but this is it) eat with her mouth closed, cough without covering her mouth and sneeze without even turning away. I will be so happy to not have to deal with her dumbass stories. I'm seeing the end of the tunnel. I won't have to hear her ask questions she should know just to get out of processing. I don't have to worry about her having her work re-checked. I won't have to keep up the slack because she's being babied. I know it sounds SO petty, but I spend more time getting here, working, and getting home than I care to.

Then, I will miss the lovely co-worker. The one who made sure I ate, who made sure she was there for me when I needed to vent. The one who was willing to be friendly in a genuine way, rather than being loud and needing attention like a three-year-old. But you know what? I have my whole life to meet new co-workers. And to work for myself. I'll keep in touch with her, though.

I have the means. I know where I'm going. I'm feeling good.