February 7th, 2006

Coffee Squirrel


"The word 'weak' no longer sounded like a verdict. Any man confronted with superior strength is weak...The very weakness that at the time had seemed unbearable and repulsive, the weakness that had driven Tereza and Tomas from the country, suddenly attracted her."

- The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera pg. 73

I found this book again. I read it at sixteen. I'm re-reading it now. I saw a copy at a local bookstore and Eric bought it for me since I don't know where my other copy is (probably at my Mom's house). I keep finding stuff as I read it on the bus that is resonating with me again. Does it mean I haven't grown up or that there's some sort of fugue going on where we keep running into the same things again and again.

I'm trying to be more conscious of patterns within myself. I'm trying to be conscious of what power I have and what I do with it. I admit to isolating msyelf. Patterning myself after those who I feel are strong. That's how we learn, right?

Thanks, anthony_arndt, ras_vincent, tcpip and recumbentgoat for your responses -- and your own posted thoughts -- about the Danish thing. It does all come down to why I react how I do. I'm trying to figure how much my reactions are formed from my natural distaste for drama, my wondering at the lives of Muslim *women* (I don't like the way the tradition of the place of women has become hard and fast 'religion') and this reflexive need for a sense of 'freedom'. It is bigger than freedom of speech. And I do think a legitimate paper where folks are getting 'news' can find another way for the editor to express his annoyance with the explosive Muslim situation than throwing in a match. I know all papers are biased. This is on an individual level (the personal lens of the reporter), a higher level (agenda of editor) and fiancial levels (advertisors/investors).

I feel restricted a lot of times. Most of it is self-inflicted. I'm trying to deconstruct it down to *why* it's self-inflicted. I know that I hate the need for...special consideration. I get it all the time, though. I've been denied things, true. There are times when people reflexively give me things. I appreciate it. I also resent not feeling I have anything to give back. I think that if I had to rely on wiles, I'd be the least trustworthy person in the world. My self-protection runs that strong. If you got past the way I use and betray, though, you'd be golden. I admit to being weak enough that since I don't posses the physical ability to make others do my bidding (unless I smack you from behind or I have a gun). Why would I want to make you do my bidding? I don't know. It's a power thing. And I haven't got it figured out.

Luckily, we have some semblance of an infrastructure. I don't need to sell ass, pretend to be a child, ignore what I'd like to kick ass for. What does any of this have to do with Denmark, Muslims and press? I don't know. It touches me both because I don't know what I would have to were I in a country where the pressures came from outside rather than in.

I hope that Ms. Manji writes me back. I realy do think hearing from a Muslim woman would be helpful to me personally on this. I'm done with it for now...