January 6th, 2006

Coffee Squirrel

Envy

"It all went wrong when I grew jealous
I didn't realize my strength"
-Squeeze

Someone on my friends list posted the lyrics to a song. It reminded me of how fabulous '80's music can be. Though I am still baffled at the excessive use of saxaphone -- synthisized or otherwise --in some of the songs of that era.

This one in particular has been going through my head a lot. Particularly the first two lines (as above).

Envy follows me everywhere. It's like a noxious green gas whose fumes inform a lot of my decisions, if I'm honest with myself. I don't mean the sort of: "She has ___. I want ____. Damn her." I just have the sort of free-floating awe of the drive others seem to inherently possess; the drive to move toward their desires rather than away. I have to be conscious and vigilant or I'd give away the last of anything I have because I figure the dreams of others are bigger and more worthy than my own. I don't want more than to be comfortable and to not owe anyone. Those things and a place to write and paint and sculpt again. Sleep not lost over finances would be nice as well. To get to this point, I have to rearrange things. You must earn the money to get there, you must get the training you need to get to a place. Those boring incidentals.

For those self-made people I admire so much I would pose the question: where do you get your focus? This is not a joke. I get up every morning and try to get through to the end of the day, rather than seeing the big picture --where I'll end up. Do you post photos of where you want to be? Do you write it all down?

I'm in a fog rather than a funk. My intention is to care for myself. It's a new feeling. I'm used to pointing my concentration at others. It's novel to be the center of my own attention. There is a clarity there, starting with myself. It actually lends to a greater objectivity rather than subjectivity.

I woke today for the first time in ages without my jaw clenched and sore. It was nice. I talked, out loud, to Dumbass and worked it out. I'll let her mistakes come back to her on their own time and work toward where I want to be. That's the last you'll see of that name in here. That was all a distraction. I'm wondering from those magic(k)al people who read this -- and even from those not so inclined: what do you do to keep from getting bored with your own dreams? How do you keep the end in sight at each mundane step? Are there meditations you use? How do you, personally, figure out which distractions are fun and will lead somewhere and which ones will just pull you from where you want to be? What do you use to decide whether it is a good thing not to get what you want? Just curious. I may or may not use your suggestions, but I would be curious to know. Best, all.