||[Jul. 12th, 2005|09:28 am]
I came home with the air conditioner. B was nice enough to drive me to get it and drop me home, though he had a hectic day. I walked in and set it down. Eric said that he'd been having pains similar to the ones he had when his lung collapsed years ago. He said he had the pains yesterday but was afriad I'd make him go to the doctor. I told him that he knew how much pain he could take. He was disappointed that he couldn't go dumpster diving. He looked sick, but he always looks sick. He doesn't take care of himself. He said that it was the same feeling except he didn't have alll the phlegm. I told him it could be his heart. He smiled. "Good. Maybe I'll die! Cool! That's what I want!" He reminded me of a MadTV episode we watched -- there was a skit about a game show where the contestants were losers. One was an albino with bad acne who couldn't get laid at gunpoint. He said, deadpan and smiling: "I'm going to point a water pistol at a cop. They'll shoot me. Then I'll die. That's what I want!"
I rolled my eyes. He's not dead (I hope. I should call home), but it made me think of my brother. I don't want Eric to leave with nothing. He's basically got no family now. The only one he talks to is his dad and an uncle on his dad's side. It would be up to me to do whatever rites he would like to be done. We talked a bit. The pain lessened. But I'm going to write up something at lunch today -- a will of sorts. I'll see if he can have a notary public at Kinko's watch him sign it. Then I have to call his bank and arrange for life insurance for him. That's if I can do it through the bank. I told him I was sure he could find some plan where he could pay only $10 a month or so. He would not miss it. And it would ensure I could take care of his final arrangements without going into debt. I'm going to have it so I get 60% of the policy and the rest his family can split amongst themselves. Even after all this, he thinks it's only right to leave them something if he's got a policy. At any rate, even arranging this is up to me. If anyone has any clues, suggestions as to how to get a low cost term life insurance, please let me know. Are there any government sponsored group rates? I'll start with his bank. I should check into insurance for myself as well.
I asked if he would want me to take his ashes to Amsterdam with me if he died. He said that he would like that.
"Yeah. If I can't get back there in life, you can take me in death. You should sprinkle a little of my ashes in a joint!"
"I'll take you with me, but I am NOT going to smoke you, Eric."
I installed the air conditioner improperly. I wish that there were instruction booklets written for those who aren't mechanically inclined. It worked, though. And this morning, I left Eric sleeping in the newly cool bedroom. I made him promise if the pain came back and got really bad, he'd call 911 and go in. He's on Medical Assistance through the state because his schizophrenia keeps him from working. It's free. But he doesn't like to use it. I will have to insist that before we move this fall, he has his teeth cleaned and fixed.
I'm calm and drained. Or am I numb? I'm sure I wouldn't be the first or last person to suffer two deaths of close loved ones in one year. Why would it not surprise me? Why would it not devastate me? I'm almost detached about it. I picture myself walking in the door, seeing him, noticing the lack of movement at his chest. I picture myself going over and checking his eyes, his pulse, calling his name softly. Then calling the ambulance to pick him up. It wouldn't be the end of the world. Everything and everybody dies. Why does it almost not matter? I'm waiting for the phones to work agian here at the office so that I can call Eric just to hear his voice.
I've talked to casual friends. They told me to talk to a professional. I've talked to professionals and I have almost become the therapist to some of them. I don't know how to break through depression. I got a lot of headway as far as cleaning the bedroom before the air conditioner came. It felt good. Then I went back to "normal". Whatever. I'm too curious to kill myself. I'm as quick to laugh as I've always been. But always there's this weight. I'll stick it out, though. I'll sit and people watch some more. I've been blessed in so many ways. Again, I don't feel welcome and I'm not sure why...