|bad news, john hughes...who's got the blues? i do.
||[Jun. 28th, 2005|08:11 pm]
|||||sad and discouraged||]|
|||||hum of vending machines||]|
i don't know yet that i'll be able to pull off nursing school. i got some iffy news about the financial aid. it's going to be tough. what else is new? i just feel a bit discouraged about it. were money no issue, i'd get certified in nursing and then get some sort of training in religious lay counseling. i'm a good listener. i'm able to put myelf in the place of another.
i just don't want to fill up on other people's crap, though. it takes me a while to warm up when it comes to discussing myself. and i haven't found anyone in person who has the interest, time or patience for me to get my own woes out. i let it out here. and today i'm sad and lonely. and a bit discouraged as i mentioned earlier.
damn that john hughes. i hate that i still watch his movies and get drawn in. i hate that i grew up in one of those chicago suburbs he loved to film in. but he never came to the black section of town. he never got the memo. i'm not a cooky yet attractive underdog, though. never was. i was a short, chubby kid with social anxieties and possible mental illness. i still am. but can someone please remind me that it doesn't mean i'm not here for something? i don't mean save the world special. but can someone remind me that i'm okay? anyone? i'm tired of self comforting, though i am proud i successfully resisted the urge to get a whopper jr with cheese at burger king on my way here. waiting for class. with no paper.
when my brother died, when the nurse said: "he's gone", i was in the other room. i came running in as a female voice called: "it's not fair." i thought it was my sister. she looked at me like i was crazy, but she didn't correct me. it was my mother. why did i do that? am i so used to seeing her as accepting and super human that i couldn't imagine her not being stoic and solid as she lost her firstborn? why did i switch that in my head? what's wrong with me? i love her. she loves me. i don't know why i'm thinking of this. perhaps because i put others so high on a pedestal.
i keep thinking of pearl jam's "this is not for you". blasting in my head. normally i take sad and lonely in stride. it's background music. it hit me today.
i hope theperfumer doesn't hate me. one of the two things i didn't do on my list for yesterday was finish my paper for class...