June 28th, 2005

Coffee Squirrel

oh...i forgot

for the second time in my life, i've been mistaken for an east indian. i don't get it. it happened once in nashville. a pretty black girl said that i look like i could be related to one of her desi friends. this morning, the bus driver (not sure if he's east indian but he looks it) asked where i was from. when i said chicago he did a double take and asked if i were african-american. i answered yes (though i don't mind black -- more culturally encompassing and accurate IMO). he laughed. he said he thought i was from india.

i suppose in my icon i look it a bit. i'll have to post some pix after my reunion. next to my sister and my cousins, well. you'll see immediately why i have issues. i come from a family of beauties, really. even my addicted, toothless older brother gets play. i suppose my oldest brother's death hasn't made him want to get help. but if his six kids haven't done anything to that end, why would death? grrr. makes me mad. the man is smart. what a waste. i hope he's not using his brother's death to go further into the abyss rather than out of it.

wow. i didn't mean to go there. but i'll leave it. and i'll have a new icon by august. and no. i'm not indian. i wish i could pull off a sari. i wouldn't want it to be seen as offensive that i wore one. i think they're beautiful, though.

i'm drifting. let me go....
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Coffee Squirrel

bad news, john hughes...who's got the blues? i do.

i don't know yet that i'll be able to pull off nursing school. i got some iffy news about the financial aid. it's going to be tough. what else is new? i just feel a bit discouraged about it. were money no issue, i'd get certified in nursing and then get some sort of training in religious lay counseling. i'm a good listener. i'm able to put myelf in the place of another.

i just don't want to fill up on other people's crap, though. it takes me a while to warm up when it comes to discussing myself. and i haven't found anyone in person who has the interest, time or patience for me to get my own woes out. i let it out here. and today i'm sad and lonely. and a bit discouraged as i mentioned earlier.

damn that john hughes. i hate that i still watch his movies and get drawn in. i hate that i grew up in one of those chicago suburbs he loved to film in. but he never came to the black section of town. he never got the memo. i'm not a cooky yet attractive underdog, though. never was. i was a short, chubby kid with social anxieties and possible mental illness. i still am. but can someone please remind me that it doesn't mean i'm not here for something? i don't mean save the world special. but can someone remind me that i'm okay? anyone? i'm tired of self comforting, though i am proud i successfully resisted the urge to get a whopper jr with cheese at burger king on my way here. waiting for class. with no paper.

when my brother died, when the nurse said: "he's gone", i was in the other room. i came running in as a female voice called: "it's not fair." i thought it was my sister. she looked at me like i was crazy, but she didn't correct me. it was my mother. why did i do that? am i so used to seeing her as accepting and super human that i couldn't imagine her not being stoic and solid as she lost her firstborn? why did i switch that in my head? what's wrong with me? i love her. she loves me. i don't know why i'm thinking of this. perhaps because i put others so high on a pedestal.

i keep thinking of pearl jam's "this is not for you". blasting in my head. normally i take sad and lonely in stride. it's background music. it hit me today.

i hope theperfumer doesn't hate me. one of the two things i didn't do on my list for yesterday was finish my paper for class...
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