June 7th, 2005

Coffee Squirrel


what would we do for it? what does it mean in its nonsexual form? how do you know when to do it and when you're invading someone's space? if 80% of communication is non-verbal, what's the non-verbal way to say: "i'm feeling a little lonely and unwanted today, can i hug you and pretend that it matters to you until it magically does?"

i was thinking about desparation. about how i always thought it was unattractive. it's not necessarily. i try not to show it, but i'm a desparate girl. a greedy girl. greed is obvious in my eyes, though. can't easily cover that glimmer of: "i want more". it just scares people. but what's the point in denying a desire exists? i really do believe that physical fighting is about touch: feel what i feel.

"let me borrow you
i'll have you for dinner
let me use your flesh
as if it were mine
i'll return it when i'm done
it will be more your own
than it's ever been
you won't even know i was there
you won't even know i was there
until you want to remember"
Lula-Neith Cache- 22 April 2003

damn. i get lonely sometimes. i know that the part of me that's using eric to have someone to come home to is just a small fraction of the whole draw. but it's there. i'm a threat to my nieces and nephews: "if you don't eat your vegetables, you'll be short like your auntie Lula!" i'm a joke to teen passers-by:"yo, that's your girl, man!" but i'm also a secret weapon. i like twisting in the sun: this facet cute; this facet odd; tilt your yead, close one eye and squint and i'm almost...almost...

most of my encounters with others -- at least sexually -- have been sort of silly, random, don't talk to me in the daylight sort of things. "wow! you could suck an orange through a straw, but i wouldn't be able to explain the silent dwarf shadowing me to my friends. later." *shrug* i'd almost settle for even that at this point. it's almost heartening to know this has nothing to do with my own attractiveness really. ultimately, i think i'm adorable. and even those who would universally be considered beautiful have been through similar. eric really wants to be with me. he thinks i'm smart. he enjoys my company and is grateful for me, but there are *no* sexual feelings for either of us anymore. we sleep in the same bed as brother and sister. there's a hunger that's precludes logic. i'm teaching myself that this, above all, is something that should not shame me.

i make efforts to touch others when i can. if i sense i'm crossing a line, i'll stop. you can't escape your body until you die. it's mine. and you have yours. i don't know what keeps me from you, though... maybe more later.
  • Current Music
    "Kiss of Life" Sade
Coffee Squirrel

don't believe a word...

The False Prophet
You scored 20% Pride, 55% Envy, 60% Ambition, and 65% Deceitfulness!
You are the False Prophet, a member of the unholy trinity along with The Antichrist and Satan. In the Bible, you are described as having two horns like a lamb, but speaking as a dragon. Essentially, this means that you are a master of deception. If only the people of the Earth knew better than to put their trust in you. You have the power to work miracles, including the ability to make fire rain down from heaven. Your primary goal on Earth is to force all people to worship the Antichrist. You are a very ambitious person, so you will carry out this task with a great zeal. After you’re finished, people will not only worship the antichrist, but they will worship his image as well. That’s impressive! In spite of your ambition, you know your role and are happy to serve under the Antichrist. This is because you are a humble person and don’t mind sharing the spotlight with others. You are also a rather cruel person, so your goals line up quite well with the sinister plans of The Antichrist. No doubt, this is another reason why you won’t mind serving the Antichrist. You can both realize your evil dreams together. The picture shows you being cast into the lake of fire with the Antichrist.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

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You scored higher than 0% on Pride

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You scored higher than 78% on Envy

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You scored higher than 43% on Ambition

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You scored higher than 92% on Deceitfulness
Link: The Which Biblical Villain Are You Test written by MetalliScats on OkCupid Free Online Dating
  • Current Music
    "i'll always love you"
Coffee Squirrel


i saw two movies lately:

"Deliver Us From Eva" and "Pumpkin". i liked them both. i was certain i'd enjoy "Pumpkin" as i like small movies and christina ricci is in it. but while it had it's cheesey moments, it brought up a lot of things that i think about: inclusion, the power of social circles (for good and ill), revising what it means to be successful, who are outsiders, why are we made frightened and uncomfortable by people who have a condition or situation which they can't help, etc. rent it. enjoy it.

"Deliver Us From Eva" was a surprise. i thought it would be a movie portraying the most superficial basics of black stereotypes. parts of it were actually touching, though. and *funny* in a way that was definitely not shucking, jiving or displaying bling. there wasn't even a whole lot of self-righteousness. one very funny scene was after a hot sex session w/LL Cool J and Gabrielle Union and she asks: "i'm sorry -- did i hurt you?" "yeah," says L "but i liked it." some fun and insightful moments on family dynamics and how they impact relationships. changing situations and changing relationships w/family. very nicely done, i think, for what it is...
  • Current Music
    click of keyboard, shuffle of paper