||[May. 18th, 2005|01:25 pm]
|||||Smooth Operator- Sade||]|
even my anger has been a joy to me of late. i like feeling something. i used to be crushed people felt entitled to yell things out of their car at me: "you're fat" "lookit that midget". i have headphones now and just think of really fun ways to kill them. i sneak into their houses like mijo from "sin city" and make organic pez dispensers of them. i think of the conversation i had at a party: i am a vampire and when they express shock that at this fact, i say: "you were expecting some goth chick in black?" then they die. then i move on. one of my african princesses raised her eyebrows at me and smiled. i never know what to do. i smiled a goofy grin back, suppressed a giggle and looked away. i'm pathetic. you wouldn't think i was 35. i just never know what to do when anyone is actually interested in me. now she probably thinks i'm a freak.
i have a gift for becoming invisible when i want to, but not always to those who are looking for an "other" to belittle. and not always to those who are genuinely interested or curious. the bad doesn't matter. doesn't matter. their mama's taught them no manners. i'm writing it here because of the recent change in my reactions. my whole day would be ruined. today, not so much. when it's good contact, though, i allow myself the high.
i'm very much a person who likes to feel welcome. the more welcome, the more free i feel. but this means someone or something has to welcome me. i'm welcoming myself. i'm welcoming myself to treat myself when i care to do so. i'm welcoming myself to whatever city which i choose to relocate.
i love eric despite his chain-smoking, his active alcoholism and his bad hygiene because i would want someone to make me feel welcome, no matter what. and welcome to the bitter end. whether he moves with me to new mexico, whether he returns to europe and finds it's not the dreamland he wanted it to be, whether he is homeless again, he's got me. and nothing will change that. he annoys me. he struggles. he smells. but all that's nothing in the end. i'll get him set up with services wherever he likes. he can live near me. since i have no lover, he can live *with* me. any lover i do have will have to deal with the fact that i don't throw people away. they can walk and that's fine. i'll let them leave and welcome them back. you're family. i got your back. this should be a plus, not a minus. i know where my focus is. and i also know that *no one* should have to go through this world feeling unwelcome or powerless. i can't save the world. but i got eric's back.