May 4th, 2005

Coffee Squirrel

throwing down the mom card

i shouldn't have been so annoyed. it's about the fact that's she's still in pain. but being out here and getting back to the point where i'm self-sufficient it makes me want to define myself outside of daughter of m___ , relate to her as an adult or at least be able to define some parts of myself on my own. *rolls eyes* what can you do?

we got into it a bit a couple days ago because she brought up the fact that she was feeling guilty for the pain she's continuing to grapple with over the loss of my brother, her first child. i don't know if she was thinking it herself or if someone put it in her head, but she felt bad that she wasn't "celebrating" on some level because he's "with god" now. i was astonished and without thought told her that: "i wouldn't want any part of a god who couldn't understand that you've lost a child and that that's hard. and i don't even *have* kids". then, wouldn't you know, it became about *me*. she asked silly, leading questions trying to suss out whether i was an athiest or not. concerned for my spirit and all that. "don't you believe in something bigger than yourself?" you can laugh. i did. i laughed a terse, testy laugh. most of the world is bigger than myself. "yes, mommy, i do. i just don't define it the way you do."

what if i were an athiest? would i have to endure endless tirades from her as she tries to save my soul? am i still a person if i had no religion? would she disown me? would it be her maternal right to harangue me until the day i die about "getting my soul right"? i know i'm hers, but when am i my own? when are we if not equals, at least both full grown *women*?

it makes me sad, too. she didn't hear my heart. she didn't see where i was going. she didn't get the point that i was only trying to say: "be easy on yourself", you know? well. we both had things going on in our households and had to go. we hung up and i felt that sad sort of misunderstood i usually feel when trying to make friends: that's not what i meant! relax! i may not know how to say it in english, but i only meant that i love and would like to know you more. it also makes me sad because i thought we were close. she was the one who stayed. she was the one who would call in sick, take a bus to another state and *reckon* with someone if they were messing with her baby. how close can we be if she can't love me no matter what? i never *ever* would have thought of saying: why can't we have a wiccan or pagan service for my brother just because *i* am pagan. yet it seems everyone needs me to defer to their christianity. well. not even that, what sort of interpretation would have a mother feel bad for mourning? what pastor, what church would allow that? in the end, it's not even about that. it's about her loss and her pain and the time it takes to heal. i wish people would realize how important yet *incidental* things like are. or rather, to know *when* they're important. i don't know. i do know that i didn't need that exchange. i didn't need to feel more lonely and sad and disconnected from my flesh than i already do.
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