||[May. 3rd, 2005|07:06 pm]
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so reading some of HST's letters makes me want to go to the desert. and i was so sure that eugene was the way and the light. i suppose it doesn't matter where i go, really. it's just odd. i've been here five years. you're supposed to *build* a base, not lose one when you've been in a place that long, right?
the UPS (Univeristy Pagan Society) crumbled under the weight of my needs. no, it got all divided into factions. it was annoying. i lost interest, even if there aren't two separate factions anymore. i'd go now and then, but there's no excitement. i got completely snubbed at Pagan Pride last year by folks from my old local teaching circle. at least it felt that way. i think the highlight of my entire time here was when i was really, really excited for every thursday UPS meeting. not so much anymore. and i actually looked forward to work on many levels: there were always at least two people i had a crush on and they thought i was a cutie-pie. megasaurus and claytonium had me laughing out loud so often i forgot i was at work. now my baby boy clay is in vadnais hieights. he actually calls me, though. my pretty little meggie is still working for the company, but it usually busy when i call.
b__ calls me, but he's in flux now and i feel like he wants more than i can give (and i can give a lot. platonically). if it's not there, it's not there. i'm happy to talk to him and enjoy his company, though. p__ calls, but he's on a night schedule and that seems to be the only thing he talks about is that he can't sleep, his psychiatrist is a fuck and that his schedule is messed up. i like him, but sheesh! i don't get that much self-pity from eric and there were times he felt that *god* hated him and was telling him to go to hell (literally). if i met any one of you in person, i certainly wouldn't be as whiny as i seem here. it *is* my journal. in person i'm shy but goofy and am *very* quick to laugh. a sad clown (empasis on clown).
what can you do? perhaps i'm being picky. but then, i never cut off contact with anyone. those that call me can reach me. and when i get on the phone, they can expect my attention. and if i get loopy or tired, i cut it short. am i working myself up so i pull a lula and wait 'till all my options are gone and then end up staying where i am? i don't know. the trip to NM is all set. we'll see if it enchants me. perhaps it will be nice to be warm and dry after a cold rainy spring here.