i watched "garden state" and went to bed. i didn't listen to my danish tapes. i woke up sad.
i was trying to call to chat with an acquaintence. he was out with friends. you don't know your place with folks sometimes. i don't mean to disturb people who actually have lives. i just call to talk.
anyway. i'll return my movies and do danish tonight. i hadn't done it in a while. i want to make it a habit. it might as well become one. i have to get new books to read on the bus as well. up for taking suggestions, but i think i'm going to get to the library, pay my fine and pack some Hunter S. Thompson in my bag tomorrow.
so i'm not medicated for depression and haven't been for ages. i don't like the idea of it. i didn't feel like myself. paxil kept me up nights and make me feel there was electricity in my legs -- if didn't get up and walk a bit, i felt like i'd go mad. here's my issue: why is it okay for me to not be medicated and okay for eric to be doped up like an addict?
he's clearer in some ways, but his functioning is slowed in others. in a perfect world, i'd have the time to be there for him long enough so that he stabalizes off the medication and then just deal with things as they come. i've read somewhere that those in third world countries with schizophrenia actually do better because they aren't marginalized, they're just "touched". they're still part of the family, part of society, important. eric beats himself up because he can't deal with working. but i think he's doing fine just taking care of himself. and he barely does that. it's a disability, dammit! he could (and HAS) cleaned up and gotten his teeth fixed and he still relates oddly with others and makes them uncomfortable. as do i. that's why he's important to me.
anyway, it would be nice if he could go chemical free. but i would have to be a taskmaster and i don't want to be. last time he was off meds, he brought homeless folks home. he gave away possessions he really wanted because voices told him to and regretted it when he was back on meds. he gets angry. annoying. megalomaniacal. but there are times on meds when he's suicidal (not lately, thank goddess). as i've mentioned (i think), it's odd to suddenly become aware of how difficult it really is to relate to people and that you THOUGHT you were relating, communicating telepathically but you weren't. it was all in your head. he's my buddy, my little brother, my shaman. but i warned him that since i'm forced to work full time, he can't get out of hand or i'll have to help him find another place.
he does well now. he cooks for me. he listens to music. he studies language. but he's a bit restless,too. as am i. we're birds of a feather. does that make me schizophrenic, too? wishful thinking.