March 5th, 2005

Coffee Squirrel

(no subject)

going to chicago. not sure when: either tomorrow or monday. my mom's arranging the ticket down there as i have no cash. pathetic.

my brother is now in a nursing home or hospice type thing. i'm going down to do what i can to be helpful. if anything. i'll probably be there a week and a half, checking in on eric every night as my mom has unlimited long distance. he thinks he'll be fine, but i worry sometimes. he's now not interested in talking to his brother anymore. eric was the one who made the effort to call him, anyway. and from eric's description of the conversation, he sounds condescending and eletist anyway. and eric's tired of petty folks who don't really want him around anyway. odd. i've NEVER had that experience with my family. my sister is a christian with a capital C. she's anti-choice. she's got three kids. we have nothing to hold us together, but it would never cut her out of my life because we love each other on some levels -- not JUST because she's my sister. it doesn't seem there's any respect for other people's experiences in eric's family. i don't like one of my brothers AT all. he's an ass. he's an addict. he's got 5 or 6 kids by 4 different idiotic women. he gave one a disease. he's a misogynist prick. but he's also very smart and could be doing something. he's also got the capability to be charming. he's MY ass, you know? and while he sets my teeth on edge sometimes with his irresponsibility, i would still have his back if it came to it.

people can be so unforgiving. eric's sister and brother certainly are. my mom asked if eric's sister would be able to give me a ride to the train station and i said: "you know eric and his sister aren't talking". and she said: "what's that got to do with YOU? or with helping out her brother's friend in need?" i shrugged. i wanted to say: "you know white people: once you're cut, you're cut. and your whole family is cut". but i thought that was a generalization and shouldn't be said. but it made me think. when we have family reunions, we have real estate moguls, military, a state trooper, drug dealers, folks convicted of manslaughter, addicts, self-employed, educated -- ALL at the same table with my shy little pagan ass. no sweat. no drama. and not just 'coz we don't talk. my sister and i are the quiet ones. the rest of the family talks. and LOUD, too. these folks can all stay under the same roof once every other year in the louisiana heat, but eric gets booted out of her life, his nephews' lives, his brother's life, his nieces' lives because he wasn't "supportive" enough to his sister when she chooses to stay in a fucked up situation she doesn't like because she's afraid of change and lives vicariously through her children. they're like pampered guests rather than members of a family. *shrug* i don't get it.

i saw "about a boy" last night. i loved it. and it's true:"the future isn't about couples. you gotta have more -- you gotta have backup". it's true. that's what my whole search is about: loyal, honest, caring BACKUP. at least i know i got it from my family, no questions asked. and eric. and a few others. you can never have too much back up. more later. i'm out of time at the library computer.

-Lula.
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