February 18th, 2005

Coffee Squirrel

better day today...DIGITAL CAMERA NEEDED!!!

i have to work tomorrow. but today is mine. and i'm spending it here online at the library. *snicker*. i have to get a couple of DVDs. eric's been studying languages a lot (dutch, spanish and japanese) and i've actually written a little. we're going to treat ourselves to a movie. and they're free here. can't beat that.

got a call from A this morning. we had a nice giggle before she went to work. she and her husband are well. i gotta e-mail her and ask her things i didn't get a chance too. she's such a talker and i'm such a listener that there were things i didn't want to interrupt her to ask. so nice to hear from someone who took such care of me at one time.

you know: there are times when taking things at face value reveals everyone elses's pretenses. it can be very funny and enlightening. i tease eric, calling him "literal boy". i don't mean it in a way that makes him less of a person. schizophrenia can sometimes obscure nuance. but if he's "literal boy" i can be "intentionally literal girl". and when i am, i get some interesting responses. half the time it's reflexive. i have so little yet so much going on that not bothering to play or dance because someone is clapping their hands is sort of...amusing. being off-beat on purpose, you know? anyway. i wrote a response to something in someone's journal and i get that feeling that i get when i've touched someone's nerves. i had to suppress a laugh -- other people who read it even got involved. it was...baffling. i never understand when honesty is not appropriate. i DO have a sense of humour and there are things i notice after the fact that crack me up. thoughts that seems like random musing to me seems like manipulative self-effacement to other. i know what i am and what i mean in my own life. and with years of practice, i know the signs that clue me off to what i mean to others. *shrugs* what are you gonna do?

anyway, does anyone within the sound of my journal (twin cities, MN)have a digital camera i may borrow, or perhaps i could pay a small fee for your photographic services. i need some photos of myself for my journal and for a couple of other projects. i could buy a disk. we could use my disk, you keep your camera. any and all offers of help on this matter appreciated. just trying to keep myself busy. it's been a dark, dark couple of years and i wanna lighten them up for myself.

i took my first taste of nicotine gum. that stuff is NASTY. but i decided that even if eric keeps smoking, i'm going to try to quit. again. we'll see if it works this time. i didn't have enough for the new minty-fresh kind of nicotine gum. i got the kind that tastes like they scraped the stuff from underneath the tables of a diner. N-A-S-T: naaassss-teeeee! i think walking helps me avoid smoking. i've had a couple of nice walks the past few days. i refuse to take the number 16 bus unless i have to, so i've been walking from university and snelling to university and fairview. not much, but any bit of activity helps, no? it lets me day dream, walking does, in a way i don't on the bus. i get writing ideas from things on the bus, but as far as something replenishing. well. a walk does it every time. it's like soup, though. you don't think about it until you have it. and when you haven't had it for a while you're like: i like soup. why don't i have it more often? i like walking. why don't i don it more often? why, i will thank you.

i like talking to myself. out loud. in my home. and yes, i do answer myself. i think of this journal as an extension of that. my paper journal is for other things. it makes me laugh. on those occasions eric catches me he rolls his eyes and mock-scolds: "stop talking to yourself!". i always giggle and think: says the schizophrenic to the sane woman. tee, hee. later. and i was serious about the digital camera. since we live in such a mercernary society, i'll say it again: I CAN PAY YOU TO TAKE MY PHOTO. keep in mind the fee will NOT be substantial as i'm not expecting professional level stuff, unnastand? but what's 10 minutes or half an hour of your time???

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