|lower back pain
||[Jan. 31st, 2005|05:09 pm]
i thought about apologizing for going into details about my health and the health of my brother. whatever. no apologies. i haven't talked to my mother in two days so i don't know how he's doing.
i do know my sister and mother went to the lawyer. my brother's son's mother (good grief: ARE there any families anymore?) finally signed the papers. my mom will officially be the kid's guardian. for that my sister paid $2,000. what can you do?
i've been thinking about death again and how my brother is finally thinking about what he wants to happen and is finally signing things and looking at living wills. good. i asked my mom to send me a copy of the living will so i can have a format to make one for myself.
i don't understand hysterics at funerals. i understand weight. i understand it's a heavy thing. i sympathize w/the pain of the loss. i don't, however, understand this whole "why, god, why me? why him?" thing. why not? death happens. i'm sad about my brother's, but i don't wish it on someone else. would that be better? and what do you want god to do about it? would it be better if it happened to someone who's NOT christian? would that be okay? i'm so NOT christian.
anyway. i'm just thinking of the whole PROCESS we go through when we know someone is going to die soon. i just get so sad about his pain and shame. my brother is a big guy with a big voice. that voice is soon to be silenced. my world will be less for it. i also know it pains him to ask for help. it rivals his physical pain. that's why he didn't say anything at christmas time until he could barely speak, the pain was so excrutiating. i guess we all go through stages of thinking we're invincible. he hated having his photo taken. there aren't many pictures. he didn't often allow himself to be video taped by my mom. i want to know what his son will have to go on but what we tell him about my brother.
i know most of his compliments were backhanded. i know he was loud and gruff and was a genius at pushing people's buttons and sussing out their fears and weaknesses. i know he WANTED to be good. and many times he succeeded. i know he hated to admit his own weaknesses, but would respectfully -- almost shyly -- acknowledge them to someone who pointed them out. i know he was protective of us, even while mercilessly teasing us to "make us stronger". i know that when i asked my mom if he needed me to move back down and she asked him for me, he said: "that's my girl" and made it clear i should stay where i am. and soon, this man won't exist except in our memories and in the eyes of his son who looks so much like him. even our genes are strong.
i want to get going. i feel infected. i feel like i'm rotting where i am. and i know that my brother now just wants his pain to end, where earlier he would occasionally exclaim: "i can't wait till i get my strength back so i can move from here!". i think he knows. and i think he's closer to making his peace with the fact that he's dying.
i feel full of something. i feel like life is leaking out of my brother. and i feel like something bad is filling me up. i gotta get this out of me, whatever it is. i know my brother wouldn't hold it against me, whatever i did. i want to leave this country a while. i need more money. i can't get any money back for the tickets i bought. might as well use them...
amsterdam in april with no plans. no place set to stay. very little money. sounds like a plan.