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January 12th, 2005 - This is Lula — LiveJournal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Angelic Fruitcake

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January 12th, 2005

shameful... [Jan. 12th, 2005|05:43 pm]
Angelic Fruitcake
[mood |embarrassedembarrassed]
[music |clickety-clack]

i went to a food shelf for the first time. i have about $30 in the bank. i started work at yet another local business making crap money. but i only work two days there this week. the clothing store job is effectively gone as she only called me in once last week and hasn't called at all this week. i called two locations of my temp agency -- the ones that would have jobs i could get to by bus -- and both had nothing for me.

so i kept an appointment i made at a food shelf. they were very sweet, but only had paper bags w/handles and overpacked the stuff. and i didn't realize they'd give me so much. i got three huge ones. the handles broke. i asked for more bags and split it up so the things wouldn't be heavy enough to break the paper handles. a decent guy--probably from chicago, home of gruff but warm and kind folks -- helped me take the six bags to the bus stop. my bags got wet in the snow and at least 3 times i had to reconsolidate everything. finally after people on the bus glaring at me. so much for minnesota nice. a few folks helped me pick up cans. i gave up and used some of my last cash to call a cab. i hope i get a temp job soon. this sucks rank ape booty.

i also had some bad news about my brother last night. the cancer spread to his liver. fun. he finally agreed to go BACK to a chemo treatment this coming monday. it's in the morning. this is bad. my mom has to be at work at 5:30a. my sister might take him, but she works, too. my favorite brother got stuck in mexico on a trucking job. my mom STILL hasn't found a place for day care for his son. the two she looked at were full. point being, she might have to call in and take her grandson with her as she takes my brother to chemo. my sister basically agreed to take his son if anything happens. but they have to see a lawyer because my nephew's crackhead mama (my brothers can pick 'em) won't sign over guardianship even though she's homeless right now. what's she going to do with an infant on the streets? put him in a bag? at any rate, no court will give him to her, but it's a waste of time and resources and slows things down for him to be settled in a stable place w/my sister and her kids. obviously, as evidenced above, i don't have the means right now to take a kid.

well. i know i was going to make an effort not to bitch so much. but you know? i feel like i've earned it today. and it's my journal. and it's time for me to go to class. i guess i'll just be at home studying for my birthday. i gotta pass this class even with all this crap going on, or else i'll have to pay the money back. and i don't have $1,200 up my ass...

later,
Lula.
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anger [Jan. 12th, 2005|08:45 pm]
Angelic Fruitcake
[mood |angryangry]
[music |clickety-clack]

"we belly full but we hungry
an' a hungry man is an angry man"

i'm so, so mad. i'm mad at my situation. i'm mad that i need money. i'm mad that i WANT to win the lottery. i hate that money means freedom from hunger and hurt. it can't buy health, but it can buy health care -- WTF?

my face hurts. my smile is getting strained. it's like i'm trying harder and harder to smile the harder things get. i feel ashamed to talk to folks about things. i need my therapist, but can't afford her right now. money again. my smile is like grimace now. i reflexively say i'm fine. i don't want to foist things on others if i don't have to. and i don't have to. but i feel the carcking point coming soon...

i'm sick of being ashamed. i'm sick of being pitied, even though i'm pitiful. i'm sick of the impotence of my anger. what wimp gets afraid when I get angry? i want someone to quake at my wrath. and then i laugh at the thought of that. and if you saw me, you'd laugh to: i'm fat, dwarfish, insulin-resistant, smoker, compulsive overeater. that's me. threat to no one. but --

who will i kill? i don't know. but it won't be myself...
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