January 4th, 2005

Coffee Squirrel

burn

i'm angry and am not sure why. i tried to hand in notice at my job to go to temp work. she was cool about it. i'm still there, though. she said just give a couple days notice once the temp places call. that's the issue: the one in st. paul has done nothing. i contacted the minneapolis location. they said to call on thursday. grrr...

i got a few books going at the same time. they've pushed out my book for class. now i have to catch up on some reading for class tomorrow. i didn't go yesterday. and the owner of the store said she didn't need me. so no money for that day. anyway, the books:

"Malcolm X: As They Knew Him" just because i wanted a clearer view of the man.
"How to Think Straight" because i've not been thinking straight for a while.

i also requested a book on how to write television scripts. what's wrong with me? i can't focus. i've been meaning to respond to a post from amoraj, but haven't been able to sit and compose properly. and i have limited time as i use the library computer. double grrr...

my co-worker at the clothing store says that jobs can get to you more when you don't have anything else going on. true, but with no job, i can't AFFORD anything else. stressed, i am. i was hoping it would be easier to get something through the temp job and i could easily leave it come april when eric and i go to amsterdam. i have rent paid through march, but we need money for the trip, even with the tickets paid.

i hate that this stuff becomes so primary. every place i call talks about hiring freezes and lack of funds. what's with all this talk of the economy getting better? i can't even get a TEMP job 'till april. my student loans have come up again. i have to do yet ANOTHER forbearance for financial straits. i am considering moving. i'm more than considering it. i'm moving to eugene when i get back from amsterdam. i'm sure everyone's going to the northwest 'coz it's a blue state. i'm sure the cost of living has gone up since the last time i checked some websites. doesn't matter. at least i'll be lonely with eric in a place i've always wanted to visit. eric's sister freaked out -- yet again -- and is not talking to eric --yet again. the woman is psycho and needs help. i appreciate what she did for me when i first moved here. but she did it grudgingly it seems if she's going to keep tabs and keep score and throw stuff back in eric's face when they have a fight. then call HIM insensitive. she had a fight with her husband of 11 years and she didn't think eric was supportive enough. whatever. i came here to st. paul because she was here and she allowed me to set up things for eric to come later. then she freaked out and said she didn't want eric with her. good choice, but threw my plans. but it was nice that she saw eric every other week. he gets lonely. then i had to get a place for eric and myself. point is: i wasn't dreaming about st. paul and st. paul isn't a dream.

i've always wanted to go to eugene and now there's no real tie to stop me. eric hasn't decided if he's going to try to stay in amsterdam or come with me. i know that he plans to stop his meds which means he'll get terrified and psychotic and end up sent back to the states anyway. i've talked to him about it. he goes back and forth with whether the meds do any good. i KNOW they do. but it's unfortunate that it costs such a price: drooling, sleep difficulties, stomach difficulties. lucidity, but also things that make you even LESS socially desireable. like: now i can see how screwed i am and what people are thinking when they see me -- now i can feel it when they reject me. it's almost debateable whether psychosis is better. at least he feels important then. no. he lives in a nightmare. at any rate. if he decides to stay in amsterdam and go off his meds, he can stay with me until we find him a place. if not, strict rules this time. both of us need to take better care of ourselves. and we're both on the depressive end and don't know what it means to be fully happy and engaged with life. we'll have to learn that from others. i do know how to love, though. and i love him to death...

rant, rant, rant. for whatever good it does. this place is void. at least i'd have some mountains or something to look at while i sit at home. bri-guy is nice. it's always pleasant to have a bit of company outside of working. i can keep in touch from eugene, though.

so, back to the beginning: none of this will happen if i don't find a JOB! pronto!

later,
Lula.
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