October 28th, 2004

Coffee Squirrel


what does it mean if i do something today that is embarrassing? why does it mean something tomorrow? how does it get its meaning? is it the break in continuity? why do those out of character moments last longer than the quiet, kind moments? i like the quiet, kind moments. in my mind, though, i replay all of my most embarrassing moments, moments when i've been humiliated by others, moments when i've slipped up. i don't know why it matters. those who humiliated me in the past are long gone. most folks have been kind to me. my own paranoia is the impetus of any recent faux pas.

how much time have i got left to get it right? with my occasional smoking, inattention to surroundings, bad diet. are those the only factors?

it sounds like i'm a control freak, doesn't it? i know i can't control the date of death even if i did quit smoking completely and exercise and eat right. i might have a healthier body. this would be nice. but i could also still have an undetected heart problem. i could still get hit by a car. there's so much i want to do before then. and i don't because i get paralyzed by fear. stupid. i've made a deal to write and i'm going to keep it. one thing at a time. then i can concentrate on getting eric and myself out of the country, even if it's only for a year.

well, more later. or not. gotta get to work.

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