October 26th, 2004

Coffee Squirrel


i was so sad last night. i got up and dragged myself here (all the way across the street). i checked my e-mail and it was nice to see that the danish lady i wrote through witchvox wrote me back -- for a second time. she was so nice and relaxed. we discussed politics. she doesn't excuse the american machine, but she hates the "holier than thou" attitude a lot of europeans are taking now even though they've committed atrocities in the past as well. she hates the reflexive anti-americanism as much as american arrogance and reflexive patriotism. it was nice to talk to someone, even virtually. i haven't been out much lately.

the party this past friday! i forgot to report: it was nice. i played twister, listened to Cake, drank a mojito(sp?), created my own drink (ameretto and apple cider). mostly i played on my own, as usual. i'm a very shy person. but i did have a good time between the anxiety about what to say and then missing my opportunity to say it. it was nice, though. and i was grateful my co-worker invited me. i know my anxiety is internal. i know it's more important, ultimately, that i'm dismissive of my OWN ideas than that anyone else dismisses them. even on blue days, i've been trying to write down some things. a record for myself. no one else. eric is my partner. he's got my back...

more later,
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    Beck, "Little One"
Coffee Squirrel


i suppose it doesn't matter if my anxiety and depression are organic or environmental. what matters is to do something else, get involved in something else, distract the ennui. moving would be a distraction. i can't afford it right now, though. writing after work will be a nice distraction. and i won't even have to feel bad about not entertaining eric as he's got an appointment with his group leader to talk about goals. i don't know how i would feel about that if i were him.

he's a man with schizophrenia who finds it hard to take care of himself. people find him creepy. he has very few friends. what is there to say? what goals to achieve? work? well, he can't handle the pressure of a full time job. even if he got a part time job, then his SSI would go down and they'd take his food stamps away. friends? he has no control over the reactions of others any more than i do. he just has a hard time with environment. he sess signs and can think people are saying something else indirectly and not being honest. he does better one on one. but he doesn't like the computer and so can't meet someone that way. i don't even meet people that way.

well, point is, we -- eric and i -- are both here. we may as well enjoy each others' company and hang on for the ride since we're both over our silly suicidal days. we're here for the duration. why not make it as enjoyable as possible. that should be his goal: enjoy things. and brush his teeth (tee, hee! no. really). i could definitely walk with him while it's still warm enough to go for a brisk walk. i can't afford the medicine, but i can work to keep the insulin thing under control.

i'm going to get a card and stick it up at the coffee shop. i'll try to get a weekly writers' thing going. i know most are once a month, but i wanna focus on productivity. if they have completed things they want to hand out, fine. we can read and critique on our own time and get it back. but at the weekly meetings, we'll just read a couple of pages even if it's just journaling. i think it might work.

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