September 18th, 2004

Coffee Squirrel


we're all selfish. i don't see why people feel having a kid will make things any different. this is why most folks are more worried about money for their own bling than money put aside for the kids they have to get an education or live on. you almost can't blame 'em.

there are too many messages from too many sources telling us we're not right. there are so many areas in which we can improve. and they all involve surgery, right? i don't care how anyone wants to word it. it's almost as if the world won't be happy until all women are sliced and diced and aerobicized enough to fit into these ubiquitous low-rise jeans and tops short enough to expose our belly buttons. why should this matter? because it does, okay. i have a big fat butt. my belly is tight, round brown art i create everyday by filling it with food. why am i to feel less of a person because i don't want to show my butt-crack to the world -- even if i DID lose weight. my ass is MINE. it's too much for you to handle. it won't fit into a small world view. it needs ROOM made for it on the bus. in defense of my butt: i'm 34 years old. my tits are MINE. they sag a bit. they're slightly misshapen. they have been surgically reduced for relief of back pain so they have scars. that's right. and they're MINE. my smooth skin is enviable. and that's MINE, too. but who cares? i shouldn't have to explain my ass to anyone anymore. i'm not in high school. why do all these ads make me feel like i'm still there?

i want more events that don't involve BUYING things. i want more free classes on how to cook or make things. i think real beauty and art are underrated and overwhelmed by marketing. i want to open an art gallery. i'll call my bank on monday. i know. i'm blowing in the wind again; i'm following whims. but things have been silent in my heart. and i figure if i don't make a move i'll atrophy even more than i have. i've asked gods. i've asked people. i've asked myself. i haven't been able to find direction. i haven't been able to get a definitive answer on what direction to take my life. so, i'll just go on a whim. besides, while it may seem a bad time and bad economy to start a gallery, i plan to do a lot of community work. perhaps set up dialogue w/other countries and cultures via art. perhaps classes for kids. affordable local art that people don't need a loan to buy, perhaps? i'll have to talk it over with the bank. then i can quit my part time jobs and jump in w/both feet. it's something to do. and even though it's not writing, i'll feel i'm using my heart and mind. why not?