September 9th, 2004

Coffee Squirrel

doom-y, gloom-y on a sunny day...

i'm not sure how much it matters who wins. i'm not sure how much i care. i know it would be nice to have someone without direct malevolence toward my existence. but is having a benign kind of a guy who doesn't do much any better? well. maybe.

i had an IQ in the triple digits. i feel submoronic now. i have been taking too many jobs to "get by". jobs that drain my curiosity and soul. too much time spent smiling and trying to build something with folks who couldn't give two shits what's really going on in my head as long as i play their smiling, happy dwarfish little black friend. i'm trying to pay attention to filling myself up rather than trying to fit an image. i've been so quiet. but i have nothing to say. and i'm tired of vapid verbal diarrhea.

i'm bored with people who don't know whether they want "rugged american individualism" or "a thousand points of light". i want neither. i think it's silly to pretend we aren't a part of each other. nothing gets done alone. NOTHING. i don't get how the "rugged individual" folks are so against taxes yet talk about "community" out of the other side of their necks. how is it "community building" to get rid of programs that help folks. i suppose it's community minded to let baby-boomers die on the street because there's nothing being put into social security. and where are the "bootstraps" when you can't even read at a fourth grade level and are targeted by cops. i have only to go to my brothers for numerous stories on that...yes, it happens. even here in 2004.

i am not a nationalist of any kind. i'm not a black nationalist, but i can see how my mom (who had to sit in the back of the bus, mind you) was thoroughly insulted when the japanese-americans were offered reparations (not that they got much of anything except lip service) and not the blacks. i am not an american nationalist, but it annoys me when folks come here to take advantage of the "opportunities" and don't see any need to be polite (perhaps i'll write an entry on how important i think manners have proved to be). yet, i don't feel i want to build community here. not with folks that aren't welcoming. i feel trapped. there's no way to suddenly become a dual citizen of norway or denmark and the US so i can come see my mom...

i work at the coffee shop this sunday. i get to close. i get to clean and do dishes and i can't even bother to clean my own home. aedh rua mentioned that it can be helpful when in a funk. perhaps i will try it tomorrow. why tomorrow? because i'm here at the library. i'm tomorrow leaves me plenty of time to talk myself out of it. tee, hee.