Really? I've yet to read any of his stuff. I must push him up on the list, then.
ETA: I just remembered -- I HAVE read something by David Foster Wallace. I've read "This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life". I liked it a lot.
Do you think a romantic relationship can ever be equal or will one partner always love and/or compromise more than the other? Given the choice, would you rather be the one who loves more or is loved more?
Being that I've never been in a 'real' romantic relationship, only short-term...whatevers, I don't know that I rightly have the authority to speak on this. But I will.
I really don't think a 'relationship' is ever MEANT to be completely equal, 50/50 type thing. The imbalances are what makes us grow. Constantly striving toward a balance and being honest with what you feel you're getting and or missing. I think that moves it forward.
Then again, what do I know? I'm sitting around reading a Jim Butcher novel and posting on LJ on a Saturday night. You know what? Right this second, I don't think I'd have it any other way. So there.
Sadly, I don't have many memories of my actual father that aren't 'in passing'. It's as if he's just enjoying his new marriage so much the past 28 years or so that he doesn't show for my mom's set of his six kids unless one of us graduates or is dying.
My grandfather -- his father -- was fabulous, though. It's sad he's not still around. I have great memories of watching him watch baseball. Memories of being curled up in his lap and tweezing his whiskers. Memories of trying to be helpful when he cared for his many dogs. I loved that man.
I pretty much have the same fears: the dark (sometimes); loud sharp noises; fear of embarrassment; fear of crowds. Same fears. They were silly then and are silly now, I suppose. I really don't think we change much. We just come up with different tactics for dealing with who we are and what we fear as we get older.
What have I been up to? Doing a lot of journaling. Each and every morning. I reach for a pen when I wake up. I'm wanting to be more intentional about the content. That will come. I'm just glad I'm at least getting things out of my brain and onto paper.
I've started seeing a new therapist for my social anxiety. Yet again, she's a talker and a hippie-lady type. I'm hoping that she's got some real, applicable ideas for me, though. Or at least that she can listen to me as I work my way through things, even if she can't offer help. I've just been to her once. She talked more than I do. I need to just ramble all the way through. I'm not used to it. I don't want it to end up like almost all of my other 'therapist/counselor' relationships with me comforting, listening to her endeavors and travels. Yeah. I'm going to see her again next week and take charge of that. And if that doesn't happen, I need to move on to the next one. They're professionals -- or at least they're supposed to be. I shouldn't feel guilt if we don't fit. She's supposed to be there to help ME. I may hate crowds. I may need more alone time than most or have more trouble articulating what things and people mean, but it doesn't mean I don't need people.
I've been throwing myself into some things to get out more and try to practice being social. Maybe it's been too much. I'm not sure. I'm on the planning committee for a Beltane celebration. I've been trying to attend some CUUPs (Covenant of Unitarian Unversalist Pagans) meetings when I can. The thing is, I'm not interested in any religion at all except theoretically. And I'm finding the actual Unitarian-Universalist church to be more inviting than CUUPs in general. I've not found any issues with my general atheism and attending it. And they haven't found any issues with me. Especially since most of the people there also feel the way I do: religions, well, they're metaphorical stories that can be comforting. Mostly I go because I need community. And I'm not fooling them or myself. I don't see the ambiguity (and I occasionally welcome ambiguity as a challenge). It doesn't make sense to some, but since I'm not able to go sit zazen at the local zen temple, I'm fine with how welcoming the Unitarians have been. I'm not a token atheist, either. A lot of them are humanists rather than overly religious and don't necessarily equate the search for meaning and connection with religion at all. I don't. I'm not a theist. Nor a deist. Things are getting clearer for me as I get older, though those outside may not be able to reconcile my attendance with my 'non-faith'. I can reconcile it. That's what matters.
What else? I've been volunteering with Big Brothers-Big Sisters/Committed Partners for Youth. I mentor a 14-year-old girl who I call L'il Mama (but not to her face). She's really...interesting. I know it's nice for her to have some time to be a kid. She's the oldest of a number of step, half, and full siblings that she is a second mom to. It was her choice to be the last to get a mentor as she thought the young ones should get one first. It's now her turn. I'm hoping to create space during our times together for her to just be a kid. It's been interesting so far. Today, we went to the Downtown Athletic Center and played in their pool and soaked in the hot tub for free. We walked around Saturday Market. We both made it home before the rain started.
Work had raised my hours since the receptionist is studying to become licensed in insurance sales. She's doing most of her studying at home now, so I'm back to about 25 hours a week. I was up to 32 hours when I came in early to cover reception for her as she studied in the mornings. I've got insurance now, at whatever hours I work -- they got me covered, which is nice. Of course, I'm working not to need it. I've exercised 5 days in a row at the office gym and played in the water today. I'm trying to get to the point where I need no medicines for anything at all. I have a general practitioner who referred me to a diabetes class -- I only have insulin resistance, not diabetes. It's a precursor, though, and not good. I can't take the class right now, though, be cause insurance doesn't cover it. Even though I've got insurance now. Gahh. Oh, well. I was hoping to get more info and take a cooking class. I really need structure. I know this about myself. If I took one or two classes -- or was shown, formally, a few times by a friend -- how to cook, I would have more confidence trying to cook on my own. I guess I just have to start on my own.
I've been busy, but lonely. Lots of meetings, attending the UU church. I'm hoping that I'm planting seeds for deeper friendships eventually. I'll keep you posted more regularly. And I'm working on getting caught up with all y'all. Thanks for the virtual gifts! I especially love the squirrely one, as I'm partial to squirrels. But they're all great. <3 Thanks!
Christchurch, on the South Island of New Zealand is where I hope to live. I hope to live there and teach and/or do some counseling during the school year and travel and visit family in the States for a month or two a year.
I'm a little tipsy. But I know what I'm thinking. I went dancing with jogamatic and busted_english. If it takes until I'm 80, I've advised them that I will hunt to the ends of the earth until I find a man or two with which I have the same chemistry and strength of marriage. They are solid and lovely. And they can both dance like the dickens.
Alright. Now that I've written that, it's off to bed. I'm gonna catch up on some much-needed sleep. 6-8 hours since Monday is not good. And I'm starting to get weird Bell's Palsy symptoms: strange tastes, numbness on one side of the face, etc. I'm hoping the sleep will make everything better. It's been a good weekend. Very restful and productive at the same time.